


To be loved and respected

by luna_dd



Series: Love and respect [1]
Category: DAKAICHI (Anime), 抱かれたい男1位に脅されています。 | Dakaretai Otoko Ichii ni Odosarete Imasu (Manga)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Takato is realising that his relationship with Junta is fucked up, Therapy, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships, actually only 8 times but personally it feels like a lot to me, kinda ambiguous ending, the word "rape" is used a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:02:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21573433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd
Summary: “How come you are with a man who raped you?” was an excellent question he did not know how to answer. It was his therapist's first reaction when he finally managed to stutter the entire story of his relationship with Junta.
Relationships: Azumaya Junta/Saijou Takato
Series: Love and respect [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678954
Comments: 24
Kudos: 120





	To be loved and respected

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how shrinks talk in english. I only know how they speak in polish

These days Saijou Takato was always busy. Be it with a photoshoot, movie, drama, commercial or theatre play. He asked Sasaki-san to accept all work offers possible two years ago to stop thinking about Azumane Junta when they first met on the set of drama they both played at. Now he asked him to keep them coming to actually avoid Junta.

Because every second Takato was not working the man was on him: touching his body and whispering filthy things. And it drove him crazy how much power the other actor had over him. Junta would kidnap him as soon as soon as Saijou’s job was over and take him to his place. He would ignore any protests and latch his lips on another man’s body the moment the door to the apartment closed. Throw him on the bed and devour. Skillful fingers running up and down his chest, stroking his length, entering him shamelessly. Lips kissing and sucking every inch of his skin until he was spent and unable to think. Never taking “no” for an answer.

Saijou couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept his own bed.

Sometimes he half-heartedly thought about the two of them moving in together since they already almost lived in that arrangement, but there was a part of his brain that reacted in sheer panic at the idea. He liked to call it “self preservation instinct”. Because if they did there would be no way to run away, no way to hide, no way to avoid his body being used again and again.

And the worst part of it that he probably wouldn’t mind if it came to that. Because there was something intoxicating in Junta’s touch, in his voice, in his eyes. Obsessive love that he somehow became addicted to.

When they broke up for a moment, when the photo scandal took place, he missed Junta like crazy. But it was mostly his touch, his frame trapping him and stealing his free will. Even all alone he could feel the phantom hands petting his skin, making him aroused. He hated it. He hated that his own hands could not bring the same amount of pleasure his obsessed lover could, that his fingers couldn’t reach as deep as Junta’s. He hated that he needed it.

He talked about it with his therapist. (Sasaki, his manager, insisted that everyone in the entertainment department should schedule regular appointments to help them with the stress it brought)

Takao felt as if his heart was to jump out of his chest because if anything that he said would go out then his entire career would be over. But the man in front of him already proved to be trustworthy over the years of them working together. He helped Takato with anxiety, insomnia and stress caused by stalker fans. So he should be able to help him make sense of wanting to run away from his own boyfriend.

“How come you are with a man who raped you?” was an excellent question he did not know how to answer. It was his therapist's first reaction when he finally managed to stutter the entire story of his relationship with Junta.

And it named the fact he repressed very soon after it happened. Azumane Junta raped him during their first night together. Pressed against bathroom tiles, with no lube, without a care for his screams and trashing. Stating that running away only made him want more.

He then apologised and asked to hold him again. And Takato allowed it.

“If I i were to do the same and force myself onto you - of course I’d never do such a thing - would you be able to still work with me just because I apologised?”

Of course not. The trust would be broken with no means of repair. But with Junta something was different.

Azumaya Junta raped him and then showed him love and care proving that violent is not all he was. Except it was. Everytime he continued despite Takato saying  _ no’ _ s and  _ wait’ _ s, despite refusing to have sex in semi-public and public spaces was a violation. And it was easy to forget about it because his body loved it.

“Learned to love it,” the man corrected him. “The first intercourse in a sense regulates the perception of sex. I’ve seen multiple cases of people who were raped during their first intercourse and ended up either addicted to sex or in bdsm environment. It is highly possible that have your first time been consensual and with someone else you would call the police on that man and slash or never spoke to him again.”

He probably would. If not the police thing then he would at least request to be taken off any commissions his abuser would be involved in.

“But I invited him to my own apartment. I started doing things to him out of my free will! That was on me!”

“Weren’t you just trying to regain the control? I can only imagine that if someone showed me that kind of attention and violated my body and my trust I sure would try to get an upper hand somehow. Can you tell me more about what happened that day?” the man’s voice was even like talking about this kind of things was normal for him.

“I was frustrated. Jun- He had been avoiding me for a few days already. Couldn’t even properly look at me or talk about our scenes.” Takato stopped himself last second not to slip in Junta’s name. “The director came to talk with me and started some nonsense about us having a fatigue period or some shit. That we got bored of each other…”

“I didn’t want to be left. How could he get bored of me after doing all those things to me?” Takato continued angrily. “Somehow that was worse than just being used because that proved that I wasn't even good enough to keep around”

And after that he was ready to let Junta do anything he wanted. Because he didn’t want to be discarded like a toy the kid got bored of, after just a few days.

“Since that happened, have you possibly noticed growing afraid of other men?”

Takato’s breath hitched when he remembered Ayagi entering the dressing room at the theatre and touching his back. Truth be told he was terrified, because if the man was anything like Junta he would just take him as they stood. (Azumane, being let to kiss him, did in fact fuck him in the same dressing room few weeks later). Waking up in a hotel room with Ayagi left him unable to trust anyone.

Afterwards Junta had sex with him again. Reclaiming him. It was cold and angry, violent. As if reminding him that he belonged right there - under Him. It was the first time he felt hated by the man, even the first rape didn’t feel that way. That night was probably his only chance to end whatever was happening between them but he was scared to leave because what would he be without Junta’s touch? And then he left in the morning leaving Takato alone in a cold bed making him feel not enough again.

Then came the incident with Usaka at his apartment. He trusted the man but in that moment when they laid on the floor the trust was completely gone. He tried to play brave but he was shaking, he knew that. Even know at the mere memories of those two his hands started shaking.

“Yes.”

“Are you afraid that they might impose themselves on you like your partner does?”

“Yes. He says I’m so beautiful everyman would love to rape me.’

“Does it sound healthy? Would you say something like that to someone you love and respect?” 

“Should I break up with him?” the question was quiet, like Takato had no confidence in his own words. Because even if he should would he survive without Him?

Takato left the office with that question unanswered.

  
  


That evening Takato went back to his own apartment and locked himself in. And if he moved the cabinet from the living room to barricade the entrance then it was nobody’s business. He also closed the curtains and sat in the darkness for way too long for it to be healthy.

His phone lit up numerous times with Junta’s number but he ignored all of them.

He hoped talking to a shrink would help him make sense of his love situation and in a sense it did. But it also brought up things he did not consider before and were hard to swallow.

_ Does it sound healthy? _

_ The man who raped you. _

_ Should I break up with him? _

He probably should do it.

That night after Ayagi…. He had a chance to escape. Junta said he would not chase after him. But Takato never wanted to be chased to begin with, he wanted to be loved and respected and in a twisted way he did receive love from Junta, but the respect not so much.

He raped you.

It was so easy to forget about it when all his words were filled with honey and admiration and every touch worshiped his body. It was easy to fall in love with Azumane Junta. To forgive him all protest he ignored. Because he made Takato feel loved.

But it wasn’t healthy.

Look at him, twenty eight years old having his first toxic relationship, Takato laughed dryly and reached for the phone.

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the anime and i actually enjoyed but then i read the manga and it was like somebody slapped me with an iron pot. I don't even know what i want to say let alone what maybe needs to be said.  
> I just want Takato "Totaka" Saijou to be happy, loved and to heal


End file.
